[إيليا]

12Rules for Marriage

My sister asked me, as part of her wedding ceremony, to Say Something
About Marriage. I've been married for over two years, so obviously I
have way too much insight on this issue than could reasonably be fit
into the middle of an otherwise fairly compact service, but with some
effort, and some help from my wife Bethany, I got the list down to
twelve potentially useful pieces of advice. These probably aren't the
most useful twelve pieces of advice, but I think they're better than
nothing. As delivered at the wedding last weekend:

1. Your world is getting bigger today, not smaller! More history,
more friends, more possibilities. Marriage is not the end of the
search, it's the beginning of all the searches that are more fun to
do together.

2. Be the guardians of each other's solitudes. Not only do you need
to give each other space, you need to make each other space.

3. No difficult conversations after 10pm. Not only is it harder to
solve problems when you're tired, but at least half the time being
tired is the problem.

4. The Dutch principle of Total Soccer means that any player can
attack when there is an opportunity, and any player can defend when
there is a need. In Total Marriage you only have two players, so this
is even more important. Both of you should be able to do everything
your team needs. You'll have your preferences and strengths and
habits, but if one of you goes down, the other one has to be able to
cover.

5. Wedding rings don't really come with magic powers. You will learn
how to take care of each other one insight at a time. And even when
you're not sure how, show up and you'll think of something.

6. Headphones; separate closets.

7. If you aren't already the world's leading experts on each other,
you will be soon. It is thus your responsibility to be not only the
world's biggest fans of each other's best qualities, but also the
world's staunchest fans of each other's weaknesses and flaws.

8. Get pets. By far the easiest way to remember that you have to feed
your shared life together is if part of it comes and stomps on you
every morning.

9. No ultimatums. Ever.

10. Travel. Surprise and challenge yourselves. It's easier to have a
world together if you have a world to compare it to, and part of the
fun of getting to know each other is putting yourselves, together, in
positions where neither of you know what you're going to do
yourself.

11. Committing yourselves to one another is one of the most mature,
responsible, focused decisions you can make. Balance it out by being
immature, irresponsible and playful together as often as possible.

12. When people, especially your relatives, offer you long lists of
marriage advice, just smile politely and nod until they finally shut
up.